the control

There it is once again that sweet bubbly, warm, cozy, feeling, that make your insides tickle and made your lips curve for an involuntarily smile… once in the past, those feeling have brought a disaster upon my own heart.. Before this,  the one that I took in was poison in its true form.. The one that I kept for too long it become rotten because I was cut off from the source.. Never to be able to reconnect because he chose the unbearable for me..my little heart was poisoned inside out..

But that was in the past.. Good thing that it healed in time.. Healed to its original form.. But then also to its original freedom and sense.. That worries me a little because then it'll also be able to 'feel that' again.. The sweet feeling at first.. Its addicting.. Thats what worries me.. I can control my actions but still this heart that was healed completely, has its freedom once again restored, for it to feel freely, strongly, boldly and fearfully.. 

I kept telling my heart that you have to be on your guard on what you will feel, what you will see, and I'm glad that it listens to me still.. The feeling that made a fantasy into a game of fake reality.. It’s a good feeling to have (its like so for your dreams) but still you must be brave to control it.. Whatever the situations are be brave and take the best solution that applies the least future damages…

Wonderfully and fearfully made

Psalm 139:14-16

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

...1 year has passed since I've shared something.. my heart was cuperating and growing stronger through that period.. my point of view on common things changed a lot and I'm blessed for the new things that I've learned so far.. I know there are much more that I will encounter and experienced.. so I look forward for it.. you've done great little heart.. you've grown stronger and amazingly beautiful.. i'm proud of you.. (^_^) 

THEN YOU'LL GROW AGAIN :)

you'll remember and see the past.. you can remember what you were then, but you'll never be who you are now if it wasn't for those past.. Decisions that were made in the past results in what we are now... the present is the sum total of the decisions that were made.. only you can decide for yourself... 

now i can see my heart wall is filling with colours.. my heart is beating again.. and its alive again.. i can breath.. i can see a clearer vision as i'm healing.. :) not blinded by those feeling.. because i'm healed...thanks to my only Doctor that is the King of Kings.. :) He healed me and fill me with new hope, visions & strenght...i have a message to all of you who are facing hardships, obstacles, and  difficulties in life, to always have hope to heal.. you can heal.. believe me you can.. :) when times are though and your world is crumbling down, there is always a way you can build it up again, build it bigger, wider, stronger and add thousands more colours.. unleash thousands and millions more dreams.. then you will grow stronger.. stronger than before.. when it crumbles for the second time.. you build it up again.. crumbles for the third time.. build it up again.. and again and again and again... untill its stronger than anything else, that it will never crumble again... it'll take time but Rome was not build in a day....  people strated to see that there is always hope.. hope to be stronger.. hope to heal... :) make a difference, youll inspire other.. you'll help others to grow again..:) 

THE DAY THAT MY HEART BEATS AGAIN..

but now its no need to regret.. or feel depressed J now that you’re out of my life I can start building my new heart walls.. I will take down all of those memories that I made with you, all those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years I spend counting and waiting for you..all of them I am throwing it all away, it’ll take time I know, but I believe I will forget.. forget about that hope.. maybe I’ll remember from time to time those memories, but at that time those feelings and life will be no more.. and I’ll just smile thinking about it.. about how foolish I was, like a little child waiting for a candy to drop from the sky.. at that time my wall will be filled with memories of colours all around me, and I’ll find that one person that God had for me.. J I will find ‘you’ wherever you are.. J

For the first time I feel that I can breath.. really for the first time.. J I’m grateful now that it happened.. now only I can take my heart back and feel life once more.. once more feel it beats inside of me for myself.. beating excitedly wanted to feel the bursting life outside that it never felt before.. all that time that it missed and locked itself up in there with those memories and fake hope.. now I’ve let go.. it starting to beat lively once more… slowly senses are awaken again, can feel, see, taste and hear the world outside.. feel other hearts around me.. everything started to be awaken one by one.. J I feel very happy because I’ve been freed from a decade of heartache and longing.. now its no more.. and I’m free to feel for myself.. now I can be my very best not for anyone else but mainly for myself.. J live for God that is living inside of me.. and be what He wants me to be, truly who I am and will be..

My Little Heart

Little heart are you okay..? the bottles that was full, the glimpse of hope that stays... you have been waiting calmly, patiently, hurtfully, there little heart.. it bruises you... until it deforms you.. why am i so blind and numb that i let this happen to you.. you're crying aren't you..? i know you don't show that.. but i can feel your cold tears in me.. i'm sorry little heart.. i'm sorry we didn't have that much courage to let it out..i'm sorry.. little heart please don't burst.. i know its hard to believe it right now, hard to comprehend the truth.. but it happened and we didn't take the chance when we have it before... please don't burst.. i still need you.. i'm sorry that you've change because of this... little heart please listen to me.. there is nothing we can do now.. we have to empty those bottles little heart.. this time we have to break those chains and empty them all.. all of them not let one single bit remains.. even if it bleeds.. we just have to keep emptying them until none is left not even the first one.. i know it hurts, it hurts now like never before.. i did not know that it will turn out like this little heart.. please don't little heart.. you're crying you LIFE out.. please don't... i'm hurting too little heart..i feel those feelings, live those memories...i'm crying too, i'm hurting too, i feel what you feel little heart... it hurts so bad that your mind stops, the time stops, everything that have grown until now, strike down and crumbled to pieces... i know what i feel is pain, but little heart did you know,  the mind became so numb because of the pain it suffered from the very first day we started to fill those bottles.. 

we can only let it go little heart... no more keeping hopes for him, no more weaving dreams with him, no more waiting, no more butterflies, no more cold hands, no more shivers, no more avoiding and no more deforming.. little heart we changed because of those bottles.. now we have to let him go.. i know it cuts and stabs us but we'll heal in time.. it will heal.. maybe there will be scars but it'll heal in time.. how long..? i don't know little heart..for 10 years.. all.. everything ended just like this..? i know it is very painful little heart but i'm here, we will make it through together..healing process will hurt a lot but we'll be fine in time.. he is just not  for us.. 

God have wonderful plans for me.. i know that He has the best things for me, to get to those things i have to face many hardship and this is one of it.. Lord, please open my heart and let my feelings for him go, so that finally i will not wait, not hoping.. i'm thankful for Your plans Lord.. 

-Little Heart beat strong- 

The UNPREDICTED Day, the day He is MARRIED

love is unexpected..human’s love is unpredictable.. everything that you’ve hoped for just by one look is destroyed… i don’t know what my heart feels does it really hurt or am I just making things up.. or does my mind just wanted me to feel what I should feel… I really don’t know..but one thing that I’m sure of is that I have really hoped for him.. I was always waiting.. always… always… now that I think about it.. I’ve always liked him.. in fact I was in love with him.. from the very start.. From  the beginning.. these memories that are hazy but still those feelings linger deep inside me still.. i wish that this never happened.. I have always love you 'A'.. I always have.. for the past 10 years.. maybe that time we were just kids.. but did you know that it was the first time that I’ve ever felt like this towards someone.. the feeling that you get when you just don’t know why you heart beats strange.. really strange like it has its own mind.. That it suffocates you… have you ever think that what you do to people will build memories… I remember them all 'A'.. all.. every single damn thing that you’ve done to me… everything 'A'.. everything… I waited and waited.. till it hurt so much , untill my heart ache so much, I feel that its tearing my insides apart… I’ve dreamed of how I get to hold youre hand.. smile at you.. look deeply into your eyes.. spend the time with you.. I even dreamed about us spending the rest of our lives together.. going to church together.. having  family.. how I dreamed how you’ll look like when you’re old, how I will still love you till the ends of my days.. .. I dreamed all of these with you.. with only you.. 

Love Hurts

love hurts, life goes on.... take chances, afraid to, lose that chance, lost in time, forgotten heart, written book, listed memories..smiling, skies are blue, the aurora, valley of flowers, soft warm breeze the sunny beach, lovely food... but in the loud vibrant lively environment the heart is still silent, one that it still keep, tightly it clenched to that feeling, that one string that's torn and worn out through passing time, the face appeared... memories resurface,the heart starts recognizing, feelings once again rushing in... current one started to stand still to feel the floating memories... butterflies, fireflies, laughter, cold fingers, clenched fist, weak steps, lingering touch.. she realise, he was never let go... hearts are flying, happy joyful moments for the one, standing on the other side with open arms, eyes that are full of hope.. thunders heard...dark and white clouds... lighting struck... rain... stilled heart, it slowly crippled because of the fake hope..because of that fake smile, that fake love.... empty rivers, empty sea, empty heart, slowly it started to sink, wounded, struck down, pain filled tears, pain started to fill the empty heart...the empty heart that was preserve for that purpose, slowly fades its colour, the pain started to take over..

how can you do that..? why on earth did you not realise..? why..? please why..? don't you know that first card that i gave you, i was so nervous that i could not sleep well.. was it lovely..? i gave you that so you can notice me.. see me.. talk to me.. what am i to you really, why did you make me remember all the things you did for me.. that it made me memories with you.. if I was like her or her or her.. i would've told you earlier....am i too late to tell you that i have loved you over a decade..people notice.. they know... you.. why..? can you please, please, please, please say something about me.. this heart was shut tight because of you..because it was for you.. for you all this time.. it endured through time, pain, trial.. but still it looks for you only.. how can i move on when i'm still in love for you..